It's a Beautiful Morning

I just spent the last 3 ½ hours composing this email reply to a friend to whom I had revealed my upcoming prison stay and the reasons for it. I thought it had some pretty good content so I’m sharing an edited version here:

Hey,

Man! What a beautiful cool day I've woken up to this morning! This week we've gone from above average highs in the 90s to below average lows last night in the 40s. Hopefully, fall has finally arrived here. I love it; it's my favorite time of the year. The cooler weather combined with autumn sunshine put me in a great mood the minute my feet hit the carpet. Then, I sat down at the computer and read your very kind and considerate email. Talk about jaw dropping... It's a great morning!!!

My friend, you are so right, right, right... It is time to for me to stop lamenting the past. I do believe that I move closer each day to healing the wounds of all my lamentations. As clichéd as this sounds, this whole experience has been a wake-up call for me and a chance to wipe the slate clean.

Of course, if it had been up to me, I would have chosen a much gentler alarm. It's really pretty funny in retrospect. The weekend prior to the morning when the FBI showed up at my door, I had attended a religious conference. The conference was an extremely moving experience, associating and worshiping with a diverse group of folks that had, for the most part, evolved from the same stunted Southern Baptist background as me.

At the closing worship service, I made a decision to pursue something that I felt I was being led toward. I decided right then that when I got back home I would get a college loan and finish my Bachelors degree and then attend seminary and become a minister. Making that decision at that worship service was one of the highest of highs that I have ever felt in my life. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows within 24 hours. The FBI showed up at 7:30 AM before I went to work.

I truly feel now that it was divine intervention. I think Divinity was telling me in no uncertain terms, "No, that's not the right decision. You're still trying to please other people. You're still trying to convince everyone what a nice guy you are. You need to look at yourself and find congruency and authenticity in your life first. You're keeping too many secrets." I know Divinity was right.

You ask, "So now what?" I've spent the last year and a half asking the same question. I'd still like to finish my Bachelors for me. Ohio University has a program for inmates that offers reduced inclusive cost correspondence classes and a degree in Specialized Studies through their University College program. The Specialized Studies degree requires a combination of two areas such as English and Psychology or History and Sociology. I've got about a 100 hours credit already including most or all of the core requirements, if they transfer. The challenge is the cost, even at a reduced rate. No federal loans or financial assistance for felons. I'm doing my best to keep faith that if it is meant to be, Divinity will provide a way.

My biggest cause of anxiety right now is fear. I'm afraid for my own safety because I've heard about gang activity at the prison where I'm headed. I'm afraid for my health, both physical and mental, because I've been told that I'll probably be taken off most of my medications. I'm afraid because I've been advised to lie to other inmates about the reason for my incarceration and I'm the worst liar in the universe. I'm afraid that my folks will die while I'm in prison. All these thoughts have led to frequent panic attacks. At times I'm a real mess. Other times, I'm completely centered and calm. My counselor says she'd be worried if I wasn't having panic attacks. So go figure? My counselor also says that FEAR is an acronym standing for False Evidence Appearing Real. Even though it's corny, that little acronym is helping me a lot right now along with the Serenity Prayer. My housemate found a nice downloadable poster with the Serenity Prayer on it by visiting this link (scroll down to prayer resources): Serenity Prayer.

You ask, "How do you see the next 4 1/2 years? Do you see if as punishment?" No, I refuse to see it as punishment. In an emotionally paradoxical way, even though I see what happened as a Divine intervention, I'm also angry enough at the injustice system and the hypocrisies of present day society to be determined not to let them get the best of me.

My intention is to approach my stay in Forrest City as sort of a monastic contemplative retreat using the imposed discipline for personal growth, a time to review my life, meditate, grow closer to the Most Holy One, exercise, eat as healthily as possible, lose weight, improve myself and make decisions for the future.

On to A Course in Miracles ... Life is hilarious, so full of irony. If someone had told me twenty or so years ago that you would be recommending that I read A Course in Miracles in 2007, I have to tell you that I would have laughed them out of the room. You see, the Course is an old friend of mine as well. It winds in and out of my life and has done so for at least the last 20 years.

Hold on... I'm digging out my copy (I actually have two, one with notes written in it)...

My favorite workbook lesson is "I am never upset for the reason I think." That thought still pops up in my mind whenever I feel anger.

Note to self--- review anger at the injustice system and hypocritical society.

A good friend who is now in her mid-eighties introduced me to the Course in 1985. She was actually a friend of Helen Schucman and Bill Thetford, the scribes of the Course. I met her at Unity Church, where I was a member for a couple of years. She also introduced me to Ernest Holmes' The Science of Mind, which you may be familiar with. I still receive their magazine. Maybe Divinity is speaking to me again through your recommendation of the Course? Perhaps it's telling me to revisit my 'old friend' and actually start using heart-wise what I've known of intellectually for a very long time?

Speaking of knowing of things, I thought I'd share a couple that you might like. I take it you're running with New Age type folk (something I've done a lot of over the years as well) and you might know about these books and authors already. If you do... well, that's more we have in common to talk about.

Here goes... If you resonate with the Course, you might like this book, Living in Grace: The Shift to Spiritual Perception. This book and the CD course the author does is another old friend of mine. It's by a former Christian Science practitioner named Beca Lewis. If you're not aware of it, there are a lot of similarities between the core teachings of Christian Science and the Course.

Here's a link to her website:

Beca Lewis

Also you might like Byron Katie's book, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. She invented (or was inspired to reveal) a process that helps a person do self-inquiry that helps one really get to and resolve the core issues in his or her life.

Here's a link to her website:

Byron Katie

Wow... this is a long email. I suppose I've spent enough of my and your time on it. More later. Thanks for responding so positively. It means more to me than I could ever express here. I'm not sure why validation from you is still so important to me, but it is.

Take Care.